Ego

I have a bunch of questions about ego – what is the ego? What is the purpose? How many voices are there? Is there the Judge ego and the Victim ego? Are there more? Does a mind need an ego to “talk to” and “to reason” and therefore it’s not that the concept, or existence, of ego is bad or good, ego just is. Is it the nature of being human, and having a mind, such that one also just possesses this construct that is ego?

I have been reading some other stuff to get more information. I have come to the conclusion that I have a quite exquisitely damaged ego. The damage to my ego has made my Victim ego grow very strong and also my Judge ego character be very hard on me. I can see already for myself some of the experiences in my life that made this so. For example, I was always seeking approval and love from my parents, and this has carried through to strengthening the Judge ego voice. My strong tyrant Judge ego is a maniac, he’d give you 10 years hard-labour for a parking misdemeanour.

But although I judge myself very harshly, strangely I am very tolerant and extremely accepting of others. I tolerate and expect, and allow people to be as they. Maybe this has consequently led me to allow people to treat me as they please (acceptable no problem there) but also to have permissive (self-defeating) boundaries and respect issues (not so good). Perhaps I learned the victim state also from my parents, the blame for each other, from both parents, levelled at the other. People are always telling me to be “gentle with myself” and “to take care of my heart”.

So if I follow, observe, the words that the “ego” is saying in my head I can identify that this voice is the “Judge or Victim” - if it’s judgemental then it’s the judging ego voice, or if it’s blaming and “poor me” then it’s the victim ego voice. Whereas, if I have good feelings (or bad feelings as the bad feelings can be my true “self” warning me away from the bad damaging choices I am making) – the point is if they are “feelings” they are the true “me” (the I am). Whereas if they are “voices” carrying on in my head with words, they are voices of my unhealthy/damaged ego.

The place I have got to is that the ego isn’t bad if it is healthy, there is a healthy ego state to aspire to. It’s just that the ego can be damaged and therefore toxic, and this is where the idea of the “little nutter” comes from in what Andy Shaw writes about in A Bug Free Mind. The ego can be a clean “healthy” window of glass that we see the world through, or it can be a dirty unclean window.

If the window (the ego) is dirty then the view outside will always be soiled, until, the window is cleaned. I feel like I have had glimpses of a “healthy ego state” at times, and at other times it can be like the Judge and the Victim are on crystal meth and cavorting around unceasingly in my brain.

I think what I am getting to is that I am now aiming to “heal” my ego (not ignore or defeat it). I have been going through phases (since I started the Bug Free mind process last November) of (1) recognising the existence of ego, (2) identifying the voices and the characters, (3) working hard to consciously ignore the negative stuff my ego(s) are saying (4) not letting the criticisms spiral me down, (5) acknowledging the voices and not reacting (6) attempting to maintain harmony and equilibrium of thought and avoid chaotic thinking (7) finding out where the voices are coming from and what created them, asking myself what is generating these thoughts (8) and now I am unravelling how the voices and characters were created and how I can heal it to reduce/ repair/ eradicate the toxic effect on my life….

Because, I desire to move past the blocks in my life that my “choir of egos” have protected me with. I got hold of the idea that “what we fear the most could be what is best for us/what we need most” (sorry if that is a misquote I am not sure where it is from). My “choir of egos” have, in their wisdom, saved me from; forming healthy intimate relationships; from having many deep expanding friendships; from being truly connected with my family; from speaking my truth; from taking responsibility; from relying on others; from having real financial and career success (beyond the level of success that I have already achieved which most people would probably think is a great success but I know I have yet to scratch the surface).

I feel like I am getting clearer on this… Course-corrections and insights on my journey to understanding and healing my ego are all gratefully received.